Love is beautiful and complicated and intense. So are relationships. This blog is the first in a two-part series that focuses on self-reflection questions that will help you have better relationships if you take the time to reflect on them.
This post focuses on questions to ask yourself when a relationship ends. Next week, I will post a blog that highlights questions to ask yourself before you take your relationship to the next level. Be sure to come back next week because I believe these questions can help you have healthier relationships, no matter where you are in your relationship.
At the End
If you believe in the fairytale that Hollywood sells, most relationships end in “happily ever after.” The standard story is boy meets girl, they fall in love, there is a problem that they overcome, and then they get married. Supposedly, they never have problems after that, unless there is a sequel.
Real-life is a lot more complicated than that. My experience has been a lot more like girl meets boy, girl dates boy, girl dumps boy, girl meets new boy, boy doesn’t text girl back, girl meets new boy, girl finds out that the new boy has a wife in another city, girl takes a break from dating, girl meets new boy, new boy dumps girl. I could go on, but I am sure you get my drift. The unfortunate reality is that breakups are a part of life for almost everyone.
There are different kinds of breakups. They are never fun, but some hurt worse than others. Sometimes, the emotions pass after a few days. Other times, the relationship and heartbreak can haunt you for years.
I have a friend who has been around for a few of my breakups. When we talk about my experiences, I tell her, “this is a Brad kind of break up, not a Tony kind of break up.” (Not their real names) She understands exactly what that means because she was there for me during both of those breakups. My reactions to those situations were completely different.
I have had my fair share of breakups, and I hope not to have too many more. I have walked through these kinds of experiences with several friends in the same way that my friend was there for me when I went through it.
After a few breakups, I realized that every breakup, and every relationship, is a learning opportunity. The pain of heartbreak is worse if it has no purpose, but you can intentionally control your reactions to make the most of the circumstances.
If you are going through a breakup, no matter how recent it was, give yourself time and space to feel all of the emotions. Remember that emotions are what make us human, and beating yourself up for any emotion that comes up will make it harder to deal with. But, once the emotions are not so fresh, you need to start asking yourself some questions.
A Plea For the Redemption of Human Emotion
I am going to recommend a few questions that I think will help you reflect on the relationship that ended. Reflecting on these questions will help you process the emotions, learn from your experiences, and understand yourself on a deeper level. Once you take the time to reflect on your past relationships, you can make more intentional choices during your next relationship.
These questions will focus on breakups in particular, but I would argue that you could use many of the same self-reflection questions during various other situations. You may need to modify the questions a little bit, but you can still use these types of questions to reflect on a job loss, a disappointment, or fractured friendships.
Even if you are one of the lucky ones who has found your Hollywood happy ending, I am willing to bet that you still have arguments or disagreements. Use questions like these to understand why you react the way you do in certain situations and why you made the choices you made. When you understand those things about yourself, you can express your needs and desires to your partner in a way that makes more sense. Here are the questions that I recommend asking yourself at the end of a relationship or when facing a heartbreak of any kind.
1. What was your favorite part of that relationship? Why was that aspect so meaningful?
2. What worked well in the relationship?
3. What was the worst part of the relationship? What circumstances led to the breakup?
4. Is there anything that you put up with or let slide during the relationship even though it bothered you? Why were you willing to put up with those things?
5. How did you change as a person because of that relationship? Do you like those changes?
6. How has your understanding of the concept of love changed because of the relationship?
7. If you could go back, what would you do differently?
8. What are the qualities of this relationship that you want to replicate in your next relationship?
9. What is one thing you will do differently in your next relationship?
10. What have you learned about yourself through the relationship and the breakup?
11. Whose opinions influenced the breakup? Are they people that you trust? Are they people you would turn to for advice?
12. What do you want your future relationship to look like?
13. Did you act differently around your significant other than you do around your friends or family? Were those changes a good thing or a bad thing?
14. Do you have baggage or unresolved issues that affected the relationship? How can you communicate about that baggage or resolve those issues so that they do not affect your next relationship?
15. Do you need to reevaluate the list of qualities that you are seeking in a new potential partner? What are you looking for?
I do not think that this series of breakups is what God intended for us, but I also believe that God does not let the pain of breakups go to waste. When you reflect on your relationship and why it ended, God helps you grow and learn so that your next relationship is different. If you think deeply about these questions, you will be able to move forward from the breakup with a healthier perspective that will set you up for success in your next relationship.
