There are a lot of messages in our world about how negative confrontation can be. But it can also be necessary for some situations, and we need to learn to differences between healthy and positive confrontations and unhealthy negative ones. Here is some information about how my views have changed and how I have learned to facilitate healthy discussions about difficult topics.
Confrontation is Not a Bad Thing
So, I am not sure where this message came from, but I grew up hearing that confrontation is a bad thing. I remember my friends talking about being non-confrontational and hearing them discuss how confrontation made them uncomfortable.
I entirely bought into this message. I wanted to be the person who kept the peace at all costs, even if it meant going along with something that I did not want or like. I often let things slide and let people take advantage of me, all for the sake of avoiding confrontation.
But my perspective has shifted in recent years. I think there were two reasons for this mental change. The first reason is that I had friends ask me why I was letting negative situations continue whenever I would complain about them. They taught me that I had no right to complain because I was not doing anything to address the situation.
I also had a few situations where I had to deal with difficult situations at work, and those situations helped me change my mind about confrontation. Here is one example.
While I was in college, I worked part-time at a preschool. Since I only worked two days a week, I shared my classroom with another person who was there three times a week. When it came time for my annual review, my boss gave me some feedback based on things she had seen when she had been in the classroom while the other teacher was there. Those pieces of feedback did not apply to me because she did not know how the classroom changed when I was there. I asked her to focus her feedback on observations of my class, in particular, because some of the things she asked me to change were things I was already doing.
I remember being very nervous about that conversation because it felt very confrontational. But, I also knew that I was being judged on someone else’s actions, and that was not fair. Fortunately, I had a fantastic boss who thanked me for pointing it out, and we had a really productive conversation about it. That is just one example, but there were several times in my career where I had to stand up for myself and point out that I was not being treated fairly.
The hardest part was that those confrontations were often with people who were much older and wiser than me, and in many cases, they were people in positions of authority. I did not want to offend them because I respected them and wanted to learn from them, and I knew that they had power over my future career. However, I also knew that I had to say something because I was not being treated fairly.
Now, I have learned (or am continuing to learn) how to carry those lessons over into my personal life. I no longer take pride in being non-confrontational, like I did when I was a teenager. Instead, I have learned the value of healthy confrontation.
Confrontation is never easy, but it is sometimes necessary.
Confrontation, Vulnerability, and Intimacy
You have to be willing to be vulnerable when you confront someone about a difficult situation. You cannot have a healthy confrontation without wearing your heart on your sleeve. The other person needs to see how their actions or the situation is affecting you. If they cannot see the effect of their actions, they will not be motivated to change them.
It can be scary to be vulnerable. You never know how the other person is going to react or how your vulnerability will change their opinion of you. But it is worth it.
Vulnerable confrontation fosters a sense of intimacy. Whether it is a romantic relationship, a close friend, or even a boss, explaining how you feel helps them to see a different side of you. Emotions are what make us human. You have to be willing to be vulnerable so that they can understand the way that you think and the way that you interpret things.
Most of the time, they do not intend to hurt your feelings. Instead, they probably do not realize that their actions are sending a negative message. If you do not tell them how their actions are making you feel, how are they supposed to know? Each time that you are honest with another person about how you feel, it brings them closer to you and helps them to understand the way that you think.
In the most intimate relationships, other people can predict your reactions because they know how you have reacted to similar situations in the past. But, it takes vulnerability to build that intimacy. They can only make those predictions because they see a pattern based on previous experiences. If you do not confront them with whatever is bothering you, they will never know, and they will not be able to see those patterns.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Confrontation
Not all confrontations are made the same. I used to think that I was non-confrontational because I avoided confrontations. Now, I realize that I tend to avoid confrontation until I have time to process my emotions. I am happy to confront a situation when I know what is bothering me and why, but I rarely have those conversations in the heat of the moment.
It takes me time to think through my emotions. I need to take time to journal or talk about a situation because that is how I process my feelings. You need to know yourself well enough to understand how you handle your own emotions. There is no one right way to process feelings, but you have to figure out what works for you.
For me, emotions from all aspects of my life tend to get blended together. I need time to separate those emotions and make sure that I am not letting one situation influence my response to another. For example, a few years ago, I went through a breakup. Around the same time, I was having a hard time at work.
I did not want to confront the situation at work because I was aware that my feelings about the breakup could have been affecting my attitude. It took me several months to realize that my emotions about work were a legitimate issue that was not influenced by the breakup. Then I had to think through work experiences so that I could pinpoint precisely what I was feeling. Once I figured that out, then I was ready to have the work confrontation, but I could not have had that conversation until I had taken the time to figure out exactly what was bothering me at work.
Healthy confrontation is one where I know precisely what the issue is, and I can address that issue in particular. So many people avoid confrontation because they feel like it does not solve anything. Those people are focusing on the symptoms and having the confrontation before they have had a chance to figure out the root issue.
Reacting in the heat of the moment is not a healthy confrontation. Blaming the other person instead of explaining how you feel is not a healthy confrontation. Making assumptions is the perfect way to create an unhealthy confrontation.
All of those negative messages that I grew up hearing about confrontation stem from people who had negative experiences with unhealthy confrontations. Those situations are detrimental to everyone involved. But when confrontation is done right, it can be something that builds everyone up and brings healing to the relationship.
Healthy confrontation creates intimacy. Unhealthy confrontation destroys it.
Conclusion
Confrontation is an essential part of life and relationships. You have to confront negative situations to stand up for yourself, and the truth is that you have no right to complain about a situation if you are not willing to confront it.
Being vulnerable in the midst of a difficult confrontation fosters intimacy and nourishes your relationship, even though society tells us that it can tear relationships apart. However, if you do not take the time to make sure that it is a healthy confrontation, then it will ruin the relationship. If you want better relationships and a way to stand up for yourself, then you need to learn how to have healthy confrontations.