I have been single for the majority of the past decade. Over that time, I have had dozens of people give me advice on what I needed to do to “fix my singleness.” Here are a few examples of the pieces of advice I have received.
“You need to try _______ online dating app.”
“It is time to move on.”
“You just need to put yourself out there more.”
“It will happen when you least expect it. Just focus on other things, and when you finally give up on finding someone, they will just magically show up in your life.”
“You need to learn to love yourself first.”
“Have you tried wearing pretty dresses and fluttering your eyelashes?”
Most of those are pretty standard, but I have to admit that the last one really made me laugh. As if that is all it takes to find a soulmate. Just flutter your eyelashes a lot.
All of the people who gave me these pieces of advice meant well. They want me to experience love and marriage. There was a time when I listened to all of these tips, and I tried every method to “get” a boyfriend. Sometimes, they led to great experiences, but most of the time, I would get rejected and end up feeling like I was unlovable.
Through my experiences with both dating and singleness, I have learned a lot. I have learned how to be happy alone, how to find my value in God instead of men, and how to recognize red flags before I even start swiping. But, the most valuable lesson that I have learned is not to listen to everyone’s advice.
If you give me dating advice, I will be polite, and I may even consider your thoughts for a moment. But nine times out of ten, I will simply nod along and then go on with my life as if you had never said anything. I am sure that some of my friends get frustrated with me for refusing to accept their “wisdom.” So, I want to explain the three reasons that I am most likely ignoring every piece of dating advice you give me.
Reason #1- Your Relationship Does Not Look Like What I Want
The number one reason that I do not take relationship advice is that it comes from someone who is in a relationship that I do not want to emulate. I used to listen to advice from anyone and everyone. But then, one day, I realized that the people who were telling me to “put myself out there” were the same people who called me to vent about their fight with their significant other every other week.
So, I began to look at people’s relationships before I took their advice. I know that I cannot know everything about the dynamics of their relationships because I am an outsider. But, you can learn a lot about a couple when you start to pay attention. Most of the time, I look at two people, and I think, “I do not want a relationship like the one that they have.”
Why would I listen to advice from someone who has a negative relationship? I would not listen to someone who dropped out of college if they are trying to tell me how to pass my finals. That clearly did not work out for them, so I am probably going to do the opposite of whatever they say. Why are relationships different?
Before you get defensive, it is not always because my friends have negative relationships. Some of them do, but sometimes, it is more because they have different preferences than I do. I have many friends who really want to date or marry someone that they can be playful and adventurous with.
Other friends care a lot about having a relationship where each person has their own hobbies. Those things do not matter as much to me. I care more about emotional connections and vulnerability. It is just a matter of different preferences.
Relationships can look different for everyone. But before I take advice from you about how to find my soulmate, I am going to consider whether you have a positive relationship and whether that relationship is the kind of relationship that I want. If not, I am going to continue ignoring you.
Reason #2- You Got Married When You Were 25 or Younger
Even if you have a perfect marriage, and it is the exact same kind of marriage that I want, that does necessarily mean that I will take your dating advice. Many of the happily married couples that I know got married when they were right out of high school or college.
If you were lucky enough to marry your high school or college sweetheart, I am so glad that it worked out for you. But you have a different kind of relationship than I can ever have. It took some time for me to figure this one out, but here is why.
When you get married young, you grow up together. You learn what love is and is not together. You learn your identities together, and your relationship becomes a part of your personality. You decide what kind of relationship you want based on the type of relationship that you already have.
Think of it like two puzzle pieces getting cut from the same block of wood. They automatically fit together because they were crafted at the same time.
It does not work that way for people who get married older. I have already grown up. I know who I am and who I am not. More importantly, I already know what love means to me and what kind of relationship I want. It is a thousand times more difficult to find someone who fits with you when you already have your life figured out. It is like finding two puzzle pieces from two completely different pictures and trying to make them fit together.
So, even if I respect them greatly, I will not take advice from anyone who got married before they had some time to live adult life on their own. They simply cannot understand what the dating process is like for me because it is an entirely different ball game.
Reason #3- The Last Time You Were Single Was in the Last Millenium
Finally, I will not take dating advice from anyone who got married before the year 2000. Dating has changed so much since then. Let me use my parents as an example to explain what I mean.
My parents met in a bar. My dad asked for my mom’s phone number, and my mom told him that if he were really interested, he would look her up in the phone book. Fortunately for me, he did look her up, and they have been happily married for more than 35 years.
That would not work today. I refuse to go to bars with the intent of meeting someone because the assumption is that anyone who meets someone at a bar is only looking for a one-night stand. That is never what I am looking for, and that expectation makes it very difficult for me to even flirt with a guy at a bar. If I flirt with them, they assume that it means that I am interested in sleeping with them, when in reality, I am hoping for a relationship that can one day lead to marriage.
Online dating is nothing like dating in the 20th century. It is incredibly superficial and almost always based on looks. You can have a great conversation with someone online, and then you meet in person, and it is the most awkward and uncomfortable date ever. Sometimes, those online conversations feel forced, but you meet in person and are pleasantly surprised at how well you get along.
Online dating is often a numbers game. I have to give fifteen guys a chance to find one that is worth my time. At that point, it is hard to tell if they actually are worth my time because I am more likely to settle for “better than the last guy,” instead of waiting for someone that I genuinely connect with.
Men often play a numbers game of interacting with as many women as possible because that increases their odds of finding one who will sleep with them. I know that “not all men” are like that, but when so many of them are, how is a woman supposed to tell the difference?
Trust me when I say that the ones who just want a hook-up know that they will have better chances if they say all the right things about really wanting a relationship. So, there is no way of knowing which guys are and are not genuine.
The person who told me to “wear pretty dresses and flutter my eyelashes” met her husband while they worked together during college more than twenty years ago. She has absolutely no concept of what dating is like today, as is evident in the advice she gave me. Please do not tell me to try ____ app when you have absolutely no idea what online dating is actually like.
My Advice for You
I know that my friends and family members want to give me good dating advice, but a lot of them are incredibly off-base. So, I have one piece of advice for single people and one piece of advice for married people who have single friends. To be fair, you have every right to ignore my advice, and I will not be upset if you do.
Single people: Think about what kind of relationship you want, and then only listen to advice from people who exemplify that type of marriage. Remember to consider how their experience might be different than yours. Take every piece of advice with a grain of salt.
Married people: Do not make assumptions about what single life is like for your single friends. Do not get offended when they ignore your advice because they probably have a good reason for it.