So, it has been 175 days since I last published a blog.
I never really intended to stop blogging in the first place. I had developed a steady routine, and things were going well. But then, Covid-19 hit. Those first few weeks of quarantine were a difficult time for all of us, and the whole situation made me quite anxious. That anxiety began to control my life in some ways. My work suffered, I struggled to sleep, and I spent way too much time checking the latest news.
So, I had to take some time away from writing my blog. I needed to get my mental health back on track, and anything that was not necessary had to go, until my mind was in a better place again. I told myself that it was okay to take a couple of weeks off. But then, those couple of weeks turned into a month, and then two months, and then three. It has been almost six months now.
There have been several times in the past six months that I told myself I needed to get started again. I have even started blogs and then left them unfinished in a file on my computer. Every time I thought about jumping back in, it felt like the timing was not right. At first, I had reasons that I thought were legitimate. I told myself that now was not the right time because of everything else going on in the world.
But, eventually, I started telling myself silly things, like, “it makes more sense to start at the beginning of the month. I will post again on July 1st.” July 1st came and went, and I did nothing. August 1st came and went, and I still need nothing.
After nearly six months of these mind games, I have finally acknowledged to myself what is actually happening. The truth is that doubts and insecurities have crept into my mind. Do I really have anything valuable to say? Am I the right person to say something about this topic? Does anyone even care?
As I have wrestled with those doubts and insecurities, I have also been thinking about my life in general. What am I doing in my life that makes a difference? Is there something else that I should be doing? How can I serve God in this moment? Am I doing enough to address the brokenness in our world? These thoughts have led to a feeling of restlessness and discontent.
Where I’m Going, Next
I have been praying about these things and seeking guidance for the past few weeks now. The truth is that I don’t really have an answer yet. I do not know if God has something more or something different that he is calling me to.
One of the things that I have learned over the course of my life is that God often reveals things one step at a time. When we pray and ask God for direction, he will often give us the next step, but not the full picture.
For example, if you are praying for God’s direction in your career, the next step might be filling out job applications or taking a course to learn a new skill. God may not tell you exactly what job is the right one or where that new skill will take you in the future. Take the first step, and then allow God to lead you to the next step after that, and the next step after that. After a few of those steps, you will eventually be in a completely different place than where you started.
You can see this same process represented in the Bible, as well. Paul often had plans or hopes for his missionary journeys, but he only committed to the next step. In Romans 15:24-27, Paul explains that he hopes to visit Rome twice on his upcoming journey, but for now, he is going to Jerusalem. He commits to the next step that God has revealed to him. Anything after that is unsure.
It is often a frustrating process because we want God to give us the long-term answer or to show us the end result. And when things do not turn out the way we hoped they would, we jump to the conclusion that we made the wrong decision. But the truth is that if we knew every detail before we took the next step, we would probably be too scared to move.
Six years ago, I moved across the country for a new teaching job. That year ended up being really difficult, and I did not stay in that job for more than one year. If I had known how difficult that year was going to be, there is no way that I would have ever moved across the country.
But, that move forced me to grow in ways that I would not have been able to if I had stayed in my hometown. More importantly, it brought me to a new state where God had so many new friends and opportunities for me.
I am so glad that I took that first step, and I am also glad that I did not give up when things got hard. I could have quit the new job and moved back home a few months in. Instead, I chose to believe that God had called me to that step, and it was the right step to make, even though it felt difficult. That mentality helped me stay open to other possibilities, and it eventually led me to the next step.
So, what is my next step now? As ironic as it sounds, I believe that my next step forward is a step back to what I was already doing. I am coming back to this blog.
I cannot promise that I will write something beautiful and profound every week. I cannot even promise that I will write anything every week. I do not know if I have anything important to say. I do not know if these words will mean something to any of you, or if anyone will even read them. But, if this is the next step that I believe that God is calling me to in this moment, then this is the step I will take right now.
I have some unfinished blogs that I have been storing for the past few months. So, I will publish those within the next few weeks. And I have a few new ideas that are brewing that will follow soon after that. I am hoping to find a way to highlight other voices, as well. After that, maybe I will have another idea for the next step after this one. Who knows what might happen between now and then?
So, here is to taking the next step, even when you do not know where the journey will end. Here is to speaking up even when you don’t feel like you have the right words. Here is to starting something now, instead of waiting for October 1st. Here is to writing a blog, even if no one ever reads it. May we all move forward with a little more grace, a little more truth, and a lot more love.