Back in June 2013, I volunteered to help lead a youth camp with the church I had grown up attending. I had been to this same youth camp at least ten years in a row, as a camper, a volunteer, and a leader. There are a lot of memories I have of that youth camp, and my youth ministry experiences in general, and they all helped me become who I am today. It was a significant part of my upbringing and my journey with God. But today, I want to focus on one moment in particular that substantially changed my life.
The Ropes Course
The group in 2013 was a little smaller than some of the other camps that I had attended, so we had an opportunity to do other activities that we couldn’t do with a larger group. One of them was a ropes course.
On the day of the ropes course, I went along and encouraged the students and watched the other leaders. I kept making sure that everyone else had a turn because I did not want to be the reason that someone missed out if we ran out of time. But after about an hour, it became clear that pretty much everyone had already completed the ropes course, so they were all encouraging me to take my turn. It was then that I realized I had been encouraging other people to go because I was terrified, not because I was being altruistic. I had never really been afraid of heights, so I didn’t know what I was afraid of, but there was something in me that just felt absolutely terrified.
But I had encouraged all of the students to do it and I wanted them to see me face my fears too. So, I strapped on the harness and started the climb. To get to the ropes course, you had to climb through a net. The rungs on the net were relatively far apart, and it was difficult for someone as short as me to reach from one level to the next. I got about fifteen feet in the air before I was convinced that I could not do this. Unfortunately, I could not go back down the way I had come. It would be just as impossible, so my only choice was to keep going.
I got to the top of the net and sat on a two-by-four, thirty feet above the ground. I was shaking and terrified and I just kept saying, “I can’t do this, I cannot do this.” It took me another ten minutes to force myself to stand up on the two-by-four I had been sitting on. Then came the really terrifying part. I had to unhook my harness from the tree I had been climbing so that I could latch it on to the next part of the ropes course. I was literally hugging the tree as tightly as I could.
The rest of the ropes course was more of the same. I was shaking uncontrollably, which most certainly did not help the situation. I was talking to myself, continually saying over and over again, “I can’t do this, I cannot do this.” If I am being honest, I was also whispering some words under my breath that I did not want the campers to hear me say. But, the only way to get down was to get through it, so I kept going.
I got to the end of the ropes course, and I could either take a zipline down to the bottom or I could do something they called the giant swing. The giant swing is when you jump off of a platform and you let your harness catch you. The harness acts as a swing until you eventually come to a slow stop near the ground. I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible, so I chose the swing option instead of the zipline. I do not know why that one seemed less scary.
I sat on the edge of the platform, looking down thirty feet to the ground. I was frozen by fear. There was a guy who worked there who was sitting on the platform to help people take the swing. He tried to calm me down by offering to sing a song to me. He asked me what my favorite song was, but I was too scared to think. I said the name of the song that the student campers had been singing all week: “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” by One Direction. It was not my favorite song, but it was all I could think of at that moment. The poor camp worker didn’t know the song, but he tried singing it to me. I decided I just had to jump to put him out of his misery. I jumped and screamed and made it to the bottom of the ropes course.
After The Ropes Course
I was still shaking, so I took my harness off as quickly as I could and handed it to the next person. All of the students were congratulating me and telling me I had done a great job. I smiled weakly, but I needed to get away from them. I was not okay, but I never cry in front of people. I told them I was going to the bathroom.
In reality, I went to a secluded chair by the lake, and I broke down crying. I sat there crying and praying for the next thirty to forty minutes.
Here’s the thing. I was not crying because I was hurt or scared. I was crying because I had a revelation. The entire time that I had been doing that ropes course, and even for the hour before it was my turn, I had been telling myself that I could not do it. But I did. I succeeded, even though I had been entirely convinced that there was no way that I could manage.
What am I avoiding doing because I think I can't?
Which made me ask myself, “what else am I not doing in life because I think I can’t do it?” I prayed a lot about it, and that idea stuck in my mind throughout the rest of camp, and even after I got home. God kept reminding me of the verse: Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord, your God will be with you wherever you go.” The fear of failure was holding me back and God was commanding me to be strong and courageous.
One Year Later
Fast forward one year.
I quit my first teaching job. I went on a mission trip to Brazil to fight human trafficking during the 2014 World Cup with a team that I had never met before. Most importantly, I moved across the country.
In July 2014, I packed up as much as I could fit in my small sedan and drove from Utah to Florida. My parents were kind enough to help me with the drive, but once we got to Florida, they had about two days to help me get settled in, and then I was on my own in a new state where I didn’t know anyone.
I really enjoyed my mission trip to Brazil, and it changed my life in some ways, but the move to Florida is what truly changed my life. It was not a smooth transition, and the first year was really difficult. But, I eventually found a brand-new community, joined a church that made Florida feel like home, and I learned how to do things on my own. I have always been a little bit independent, but it is easy to rely on friends and family members when they are right there. You have to learn how to do things in a different way when you live by yourself in a new place.
Before moving to Florida, I had never lived alone before. I had always had family members or roommates who lived with me. I was blessed to find a condo for rent that I could afford by myself, but I was so afraid of living by myself. I am an extrovert and I do not enjoy being alone, so the thought of living alone was terrifying. But, again, I learned how to handle it. The thing that I thought I could not do has become my normal. It took time, and there were definitely some shaky moments in the beginning, but now it is not a big deal. It is just my new life.
I did not make the connection to that ropes course right away. It wasn’t until I was in Florida, and I went back through and read my old journal from a year before that. I read about those feelings of not thinking that I could do something and realizing that I could, and I read through those prayers that I had written. I had prayed that God would help me to see where fear was holding me back. When I read that prayer after moving to Florida, I realized that God had answered my prayers even without me realizing it.
Moving to Florida has been an incredible experience. I love living near the beach, and I love the community that I have built down here. I love being more independent than I ever would have been while I still lived in Utah. Moving to Florida gave me a chance to grow and reinvent myself, and I am proud of the woman that I am today.
The Takeaway
It all goes back to that ropes course that forced me to look at my life and question my motives. I’m so thankful for the lessons that I have learned and the courage that God has given me. There are still times when I think, “I don’t know if I can do this.” But then, I think back to all of the things that I thought I couldn’t do and how I have already accomplished them. So, I move forward, and I keep pushing myself, even when I am shaking. Even when I am terrified, I can be strong and courageous because God is with me.
What is holding you back from your accomplishing your dreams? Are you afraid that you cannot do it or are you waiting for everything to be just right before you begin? So many of us put life on hold because we feel like we have to wait until we get ourselves put together or because we are afraid of failing. Sometimes, you have to put yourself into a situation where you do not have any choice but to succeed. The only way to get off of that ropes course was for me to go through it, so stop waiting until you are ready.
So just go for it. Do the thing that terrifies you, the thing that you think you can't do. You might surprise yourself.