An all too familiar story broke this week about a prominent Christian comedian and allegations of sexual harassment. My heart breaks in times like these because similar situations are entirely too common, and yet none of us seem to know how to respond.
Before I jump into everything I want to say about this situation, let me clarify one crucial point. None of the allegations are accusations of rape. In this particular situation, John Crist manipulated women into intimate relationships that were “beyond making out but short of intercourse.”
While it is some form of relief to know that these situations did not end with rape, we cannot write them off as innocent. I appreciate the fact that John’s statement did not attempt to diminish the situation by excusing his actions because it was everything but sex.
Christians cannot justify their sins by doing everything but the act of intercourse when the Bible calls us to live with “not even a hint of sexual immorality.” (Ephesians 5:3) I cannot speak to this situation in particular, but men often exploit and gaslight women by manipulating them into providing sexual favors as a replacement for intercourse. Many times those situations end up becoming rape, but even when they do not, that experience is still traumatic for the women involved.
Conflicting Reactions
As a feminist, I have spoken out several times about refusing to support performing artists that have been accused, and in some cases admitted to, similar allegations. The fact that our society continues to support people who have committed acts of sexual violence is one of the reasons that rape culture continues. And yet, as a Christian, I want to extend forgiveness and to believe in redemption.
In the case of John Crist, he has canceled his upcoming tour, his publisher has postponed the release of his book, and Netflix has stated that his Netflix special is now “up in the air.” I am glad that he is facing some consequences for his actions, but for the women who have accused him, it is too little and too late. It is clear that many people on John’s team knew about these situations and chose to ignore them for several years.
I confess that I have not figured out the balance of how to offer forgiveness while also holding men accountable. There are things that we can do better as a society, but more importantly, the Church has to do better.
We, as the Body of Christ, have got to figure out a better way to handle sexual sin.
As saddened as I am to learn about the situation with John Crist, I am glad for an opportunity to talk about this challenging topic. I hope that we can use this as an opportunity to talk about deep issues and to find a new way forward. I will never pretend to have it all figured out, but I have a few thoughts on how the Christian community can do better.
Sexual Desire is Not the Same as Sexual Sin
First of all, we have got to clarify the fact that sexual desire and temptation are not the same as sexual sin. I believe that God created humans with a natural desire for sexual intimacy. Sex within the confines of marriage is designed for procreation, but also to help us experience intimacy and vulnerability in a way that other personal relationships cannot provide. Sexual desire is healthy and natural.
Too often, the church shames non-married people for even having a desire for sexual relations. When we make people feel guilty about the things that they want, we take away any opportunity for them to handle those desires in a healthy way. We have to find a way to speak about sex that acknowledges the desire while addressing sin.
Stop the Shame
Millennials grew up with conflicting messages. On the one hand, we had abstinence-only sex education, if we had sex ed at all. Church youth groups divided boys and girls to talk about sex, modesty, and self-control. But on the other hand, we were surrounded by media messages that “sex sells” and exposure to pornography from a young age. The message that most of us received was that sex in any form is shameful and destructive, yet also alluring and desirable.
Girls felt the burden of continually making sure that they did not cause their “brothers to stumble.” But the media taught us that sexual attractiveness made us valuable. It created a catch twenty-two where we long to be loved and valued, but we also feel guilty for craving that. Women are told that we are sluts if we engage in sexual relationships, and we are prudes and spinsters if we don’t. It feels like no matter what we do, we have to feel guilty about it.
I cannot speak to the male experience as much, but it is evident that shame-based conversations about sex did nothing but push men toward pornography. There is so much evidence that porn is detrimental and addictive to the men who watch it, but the more we shame men for having sexual desires, the more that they turn to porn as the answer.
In their efforts to fight the culture that is inundated with sex, the church spread a message of shame and guilt. I do not think it was intentional, but the constant lessons that told us to avoid sex sent the message that sex is the worst of all sins. Young people grew up with the message that Jesus forgives, but sex is the one sin that is almost unforgivable.
Shame and guilt are not the answer. As a matter of fact, I think that they are tools that the enemy uses to stop us from experiencing the love and forgiveness that God has for us. Jesus calls us into a relationship with him and then tells us to go and sin no more. He does not condemn us. Instead, he loves us first and then leads us to change our actions. Shame traps us, but that is not the message of Jesus.
I believe that God offers forgiveness and redemption to all of us, including John Crist. True forgiveness does not mean that we will not face the consequences of our actions, and it does not give us a right to continue sinning.
Jesus wants to pour out the freedom of forgiveness, along with accountability.
Raise Better Men
Another message that single women in the church hear over and over again is the message that you cannot date or marry a man that is not a Christian. I have one response to that. If you want Christian women to marry Christian men, raise better men.
I do not want to blame men for the realities of today, and I know that there are some wonderful Christian men out there. I know that it is “not all men,” but I do believe that all men can do a little better. Those men who are good men need to do a better job of holding their brothers, friends, and colleagues accountable.
Trust me when I say that I desire a Godly marriage with a Christian man who can be a spiritual leader in my life. But I refuse to marry someone who does not respect and honor me. The church has created a culture where we call men to be the leaders of the household without ever holding them accountable for leading with love and respect.
In my experience, non-Christians have treated me with more respect and love than Christians. Many of the Christians that I dated pushed my boundaries or made it my responsibility to be the one who stops our physical relationship from going too far. On the other hand, the non-Christian men that I dated honored my boundaries and stopped themselves from going too far without ever making me feel guilty about it.
I know far too many women who are in marriages that look like a perfect example of what a Christian marriage should be. And yet, their husbands dismiss their feelings and emotions, demand that their wives behave in particular ways, or refuse to take responsibility for any issues in the relationship. To make matters worse, many of those men are people that I looked up to as a Christian role model until I learned how they treat their wives.
If the church is going to continue to admonish women to choose Christian relationships, we need to start teaching men to be better. You cannot be a spiritual leader if you refuse to acknowledge your wife's emotions. Men who do not respect my boundaries and take responsibility for their side of the relationship, do not deserve to be in a relationship with me, whether they are Christian or not.
Create a Culture of Confession and Healing
Finally, I think the church needs to create a culture of confession, accountability, and healing. Confession needs to be a part of every Christian’s personal prayer life, but we need spaces for some public confessions as well. Believers have to do the work to foster real relationships so that we all have someone to hold us accountable.
Churches need to do a better job of creating spaces for believers to gather and have in-depth conversations that include dealing with sin. I understand that Sunday services might not be the place to do that. Many churches like to believe that small groups or bible studies are the places for such conversations. But small groups cannot become tight-knit communities where it is safe to be vulnerable and honest unless they are designed for that purpose.
I believe that the world is in desperate need of some healing. John Crist needs healing, and so do the women that he harassed. Christians need healing from some of the negative messages that the church has fostered. The world of non-believers need to see Christians take responsibility for the hurt that we have caused, and they need to see us find a way to make things right.
Apologies are not enough when healing is required.
Conclusion
My heart is broken for John Crist, his victims, and his fans who have lost someone that they looked up to. These kinds of situations are even more tragic because we all know that the Christian church has done a poor job of confronting sexual sin. But I believe that we have an opportunity to be better. I pray that God will use this negative situation to bring accountability, healing, and redemption to everyone who continues to struggle with sexual sin. It is a heartbreaking situation, but I know that God will not let it go to waste.
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